Unveiling of emotions

On Sunday, we held an unveiling ceremony for my Grandmother. Traditionally, the unveiling ceremony is given an uplifting tone. Mourners can be expected to reflect on their loved one with fondness, cherishing happy memories, and feeling like the grief has faded. As we gathered at Grandma's grave, I felt anything but uplifted. The pages in the booklet we read felt meaningless and irrelevant to me. I'm not ok with this. I'm not ok with losing her. As we wrapped up, I found myself too choked up to even express all the thoughts that were running through my head. Nearly a year later, I was unable to convey the depth of my grief.

I miss her more now than I did several months ago. Each day I think of something I would like to tell her or share with her. Each day I feel like we are all missing out on having her here with us. Her last couple years were sad and feeble. She was in a state of steady decline and it was frustrating and disheartening to watch her lose one ability after another, physical and mental. When she did pass away, it was almost a relief to know that she no longer existed in a state of limbo, living, yet not participating in life. I am still so glad I took 5 week old Logan to meet her(against medical advice due to her infection), to see the smile on her face and recognition in her eyes. She clearly knew that she was holding her newest great-grandson. As I put him in her arms, she tenderly kissed his soft little head, savoring this new life that was part of her. By that point, she hardly spoke at all. As I left I told her I love her and she said it right back, clear as day. Those were the last words she spoke to me, if anyone. Over the next few weeks she became gravely ill, fighting a battle against an unseen organism that ultimately won. Maybe she didn't fight. Maybe that was just us fighting on her behalf. I can still feel her soft skin under my fingers that last night as I held her hand and rubbed her arm, putting on lotion as Marlena had suggested to make sure she was as comfortable as she could be. It was hard to walk away that night and not a surprise to get the call during the night.

Now, although I do clearly remember all of this and the emotions that went with her enfeeblement, more often I think of her more upbeat qualities. I can vividly picture her dancing in the living room in her moomoo and dearfoams, rocking out to Donna Summers, Hot Stuff. I can hear her gleeful laugh as I bumped her marble in Aggravation as she taught me strategy, good sportsmanship, and the value of time spent together. Grandma and Grandpa's house was a haven for me. I loved being there. In high school, frequently made the 2 hour trip to their "new" place in the desert. Aged 3 or aged 20, there were donuts aplenty, and marathon Aggravation tournaments. I think of Grandma and Grandpa as a unit. As I said Sunday by her grave, she always stood quietly in his shadow and when he died, she was a shadow of her former self. After 60 years of marriage, her light had gone out. Those four years without him were sad for her, even has she took pleasure in her family.

Although she didn't have quite the same glow about her without Grandpa, her pleasure in my pregnancies was endless. She had tons of questions and I had the opportunity to get to know her now as a mother. She shared stories of her pregnancies and asked endless questions about our choice for names, how I was feeling and eventually, every detail of Hayden's daily routine and changes. He loved to sit on her lap, usually grabbing her glasses, and no amount of squirming and tugging on his part was too uncomfortable for her. Now that both boys are getting older, I wish she could see their daily schtick. She always took such joy in being with children, and I would love to see her get that joy from my own sons. She would kvell to see Hayden recite the Kiddush, and be a little mensch in temple, wanting to know when they would open the "cabinet," or ark to see the Torahs in there. She would have had so much fun as I clapped Logan's hands to Shabbat Shalom and made him giggle with joy at the festive song. She fostered our traditions and the love of family that is ingrained in me today. I am not ok with losing her.

I believe that the reason I miss her so much more now, is that I am able to focus on the good memories, rather than worrying about her decline. There is no longer any guilt for not visiting enough, for not doing enough, for not being able to make it better. There is only fondness and a deep love that she planted within me. As we pass on our religious traditions, she is there. As I take delight in teaching Hayden the Candy Land game, she is there. The value we place on family is influenced by her. Everything I do is in part shaped by her influence on me. Maybe the fact that I still grieve so deeply for her is her legacy at work.

I am ok with that.

Who say's men never ask for directions?

Hayden just cracks me up. He is very friendly and social. These days, whenever he has to go potty, he holds himself. Either his crotch or his butt, depending on the situation.

In the grocery store last week, he stopped a man to ask where the bathroom is. The man just chuckled and moved on. I took him to the bathroom.

In synagogue, just as Mayor Villaraigosa got up to speak (which I thought was really cool!), Hayden told me he had to go pee pee. Of course, we hindered the mayor's progress to the podium as we got up, and headed toward the bathroom. We sit near the front and it is a long way to the back. Hayden made his way with his hand firmly grabbing his pants, stopping to put his hand on other people's arms and loudly, urgently say "I have to go pee pee! Do YOU know where the bathroom is?" I kept assuring him that I in fact do know where it is. Then he stopped asking, but solemnly informed each row we passed, as if they needed an explanation for his departure, that "I have to go pee pee." It was so funny to see people cheering this little boy on, giving him knuckles and high fives to get there on time.

I missed the mayor's speech, but it couldn't have been nearly as entertaining.

Stop your blubbering already!

I have reached a new level of sappiness. Anyone who really knows me, knows that I will cry at the drop of a hat. Not because I stubbed my toe or got stuck in traffic; because when a little boy says "I love you back" or paints me a picture, there is so much emotion that it has to come out somehow. When I bought a "bake sale" cookbook, I told Fillip that I would probably be all choked up the first time I brought blondie brownies to Hayden's First Bake Sale. He responded "you're all teared up now, just thinking about it, aren't you?" Yes, I was. I think though, that I have to get a handle on this. It's just plain silly at this point.

We went out for dinner the other night to a local sushi place. The food is good and the sushi half price. Hayden loves the little koi pond and the fact that the bathroom is way in back, giving him a glimpse of the kitchen and storeroom on our way there. The other thing I love about this place is the music. They play some satellite station that seems to have tapped into my childhood memories of tunes that could be belted out anywhere, at anytime. When I recently went there with my niece, the two of us quietly (well, not so quietly) serenaded each other and the sushi chefs with golden hits like Through the Years (Kenny Rogers) and some classic Neil Diamond song, that you would all know also. Admit it, you would. Fillip and I did the same thing, and through the happy haze of part of a long island iced tea (half a drink knocks me on my ass!), I found that I distinctly recall every lyric and nuance to Look Away, from the Chicago 19 album, the second album sans Peter Cetera. Yes, I knew that off the top of my head.

Fillip had gone to the bathroom, fortunately, when Mariah Carey's I'll Be There came on. First off, I'm generally not a Mariah Carey fan, but absolutely love this song. Always have. Well, as we sat there I couldn't help but sing to my sweet little boys sitting there with me. By the end of the song, I was practically in tears for the poignancy as it would apply to mother and sons. Fillip would have laughed so hard to see me all choked up singing this to them. Thank goodness I've got years to get this under control before my teenage sons roll their eyes and say "Mooooommm, stop!" Even then, I probably won't. Hopefully, one day they will get over their embarrassment of their emotional mom and realize that those tears are the extra love for them that I simply can't contain.

I'll Be There
-Mariah Carey
You and I must make a pact
We must bring salvation back
Where there is love I'll be there

I'll reach out my hand to you
I'll have faith in all you do
Just call my name And I'll be there

I'll be there to comfort you
Build my world of dreams around you
I'm so glad that I found you
I'll be there with a love that's strong
I'll be your strength
I'll keep holding on

Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter
Togetherness is all I'm after
Whenever you need me I'll be there

I'll be there to protect you
With an unselfish love I'll respect you
Just call my name And I'll be there

I'll be there to comfort you
Build my world of dreams around you
I'm so glad that I found you
I'll be there with a love that's strong
I'll be your strength
I'll keep holding on

If you should ever find someone new
I know she'd better be good to you
'Cause if she doesn't I'll be there

I'll be there
I'll be there
Just call my name I'll be there
I'll be there I'll be there
Whenever you need me I'll be there

True friendship

18 years ago-
My best friend and I met on a bus, on our way up the coast. We were on a two week bus trip for our youth group, and have been inseparable ever since. We were 13 and 14 years old, comparing notes on our "experience" which was a really long conversation about nothing really. We both had big hair, lots of makeup, and had perfected our methods of getting the boys to carry our luggage.

12 years ago-
My best friend and I learned to support each other as we lost family members, holding each other through tears, without the need to speak. When the ground shook at 4:31am one January morning, we frantically tried to reach each other to make sure we were ok. The house could tumble around us, but as long as we could talk to each other, it was ok. (The only two friends I spoke with that awful morning was Tami and Fillip. Still, my foundation today.)

9 years ago-
My best friend and I were in serious relationships, finishing school and starting careers. It was a pretty moderate party lifestyle, but one we took for granted at the time. Sometimes we would see each other more often than others, but were more focused on all the other things in our lives. When someone was crying, it was imperative that we be there within 15 minutes, but barring that, weeks might go by where we just talk on the phone. We were excited for all the things happening in our lives, learning how to live on our own. Eventually, I moved out of state, and that phone became the lifeline of our friendship, with occasional visits every couple months.

7 years ago-
I was getting divorced and she was getting married. We were both at new beginnings in different ways. It was great to be back home. Adulthood was seeping in, but we could still party like it was 1999- because it was!!

3 years ago-
I got married and she was in my wedding.....again. We found out I was pregnant the day before. Six months later she was pregnant too! We supported each other through months of sickness, exhaustion and hormonal ups and downs. When she faced the scary possibility that her baby had Down's Syndrome, I assured her we would get through it. When she had to be on bedrest after the amnio, I came to baby sit her and keep her company. Her beautiful daughter is perfectly healthy, by the way. We would call each other to say "He is being completely Unreasonable, will not concede that I was absolutely right, and why would anyone argue with a pregnant woman anyway?!" The other would say "Come on over. You're right, he's an ass. I was just opening a new carton of icecream." It didn't matter if we really were right or not. The icecream was unconditional.

Together we worried over every early contraction, commiserated over the belief that this baby would never come, laughed at each other's labor stories, held each other and cried over the births of our first born children. We held each other's precious babies as we held our own.

Dinner times became a regular event for us, as we were no longer living the party lifestyle. Babies were always welcome and accomodated, even when that meant getting a very yummy steak, to go. Evenings usually meant at least one of us nursing, while the other got dinner together. There was often a baby sleeping nearby in the living room, while we chatted about our latest adventures- how was the pregnancy weight coming off, how often does the baby eat, still using a pacifier?, remember when we were just kids…. The husbands don't question the presence of the other one for dinner. Of course she is welcome! Having the babies there goes without question as well. They each toss each other's kids in the air like a favorite uncle, making them squeal and giggle, then going back to their manly pursuits- namely video games or tv.

2 years ago-
She reassured me that it would be ok when I found out I was already pregnant again. She brought the joy into my perspective of a very scary time. When I went on bedrest, she came to baby sit me so I would have everything I needed during the day. She treated my son as her own, and he knows to listen to her better than he does to me.

1 year ago-
Again, she held my newborn son in her arms, loving him as her own son. When I was overwhelmed by a newborn and an 18 month old, and the prospect of moving, she not only brought dinner and took charge of the toddler, but rallied our friends to come help pack.

Last night-
We had dinner together at her house. There are now three kids running around, chasing each other, giggling, giving spontaneous hugs, spontaneous pushes, some crying, and lots more giggling. My son knows when I say we are going to Tami's house, he will see Samantha, get dinner, and take a bath. It isn't questioned. Samantha lights up at the prospect of coming over to play with my boys, and is happy to stay with me if Tami needs to run errands. We are each other's "non-family" babysitting backup, and I owe her so many more evenings than she owes me, except who keeps track. Instead of getting together and having a few wine coolers, we crack open the cheese ravioli, a few sippy cups, and teddy grahams. She offers my son juice, and I offer her daughter chocolate milk, each one scowling and relenting to the other's mishegaas. The kids feel at home at either of our houses.

Today and always-
I know as the years go by, our living room will still be filled with each other's families. The kids will grow, and hopefully there will be more of them. Sometimes there will be other family or friends there too. Sometimes we will be too busy to get together as often as we would like. We will hold each other in grief again someday, as that is part of life. Throughout all the ups and downs, we are part of each other. Watching our children play together, I was so happy to see that we are passing on that love and friendship, even as we continue to build it ourselves.

A Ray of Sunshine aT the Unhappiest Place on Earth

I can't express strongly enough how much I hate going to the DMV. It is the Unhappiest Place on Earth. Just watch the people waiting in line as well as the people doomed to eternal government posts, slogging through senseless bureaucracy, with the sole purpose of making things as Difficult as Possible.

Now, I do recognize, that the process of renewing a driver's license, or registering a vehicle, does not have to be that difficult. After all, they send renewal notices by mail, and even have a conveniently located drop box in the DMV office, which, by the way, I have never, ever seen anyone put anything into. For some reason, we never quite meet the criteria for renewal by mail, requiring us to make the arduous journey through the lines of no progress. In addition to registering our cars, I am also in the process of getting the title for a car, a neverending process that will put me in a mental state for which the term "going postal" will not even come close.


My car is the byproduct of a marriage gone bad. We (me and the liar I formerly called a husband) bought this four door beige sedan with the idea of starting our family in the suburban utopia of Gilbert, Arizona. This is now the fastest growing community in the United States, in case you are interested, which most people are not. Well, like the scarecrow, I finally got a brain and left with the beige sedan packed to the gills with all I would need for my new fast track single lifestyle. This car has had endless problems such as needing new brakes every 6 months, an air conditioner that only works in the winter, when I am not pregnant, and blowing a headgasket, requiring a new engine at 50, 000 miles. Part of the divorce judgement, officially endorsed by the court, was that my ex was to pay off our dream car. I bet you will all fall over in shock to learn that he did not make even ONE payment, nor did I know this until the finance company called me threatening repo. I tried explaining to the finance company that I had a legal judgement stating it was the responsibility of that other guy to pay for the car, and although some of the reps were even sympathetic, they hounded me month after month, threatening all sorts of unpleasant action, until I started selling my limbs off one by one to raise the money for my car payment. Over the next few years I paid off this albatross so that I could officially call it mine. Now, I want the title so I can sell the piece of crap to someone who will appreciate the racy shade of beige more than I. I called the finance company to request the title and was told they had already sent it to the jerk who did NOT pay for the car, who I don't have info for, who even if I did, would not bother to send me what is rightfully mine. The rep told me I would need to request a copy from the DMV. Bad news indeed.

In April I went to the DMV, naively believing despite the odds, that it would be a simple process. I stood in the line that says Start Here for 20 minutes, to be handed a number by a surly employee who acted as if I had interrupted her birthday party with my request rather than someone put in a paid position of service to the community. The people there were literally walking slowly, stamping papers slowly, and making sure that nothing was going to happen in any timely manner. When I looked at my number, there were literally 75 numbers ahead of me, and it felt like the waiting room in the movie Beetlegeuse. An hour and 40 minutes later, I made my dazed way to the appropriate window, to be told that I needed a specific document from the finance company. Several months later, I have now acquired said document, and returned Friday to the DMV thinking naively, that this was the Golden Ticket to getting my title. I also thought I could get my registration taken care of while I was there.

Lo and behold I accomplished neither of those things. Again, shocking. Because my car is from out of state, I need to first acquire the title from Arizona, before they can convert the title to California. Could that have not been mentioned in April?! So I can't get the title. Let's just take care of the registration. Oh wait… I could pay for it, but needed some obscure documentation that would need to be dug up from the middle of the Negev Desert, so will need to come back another day to get that precious little sticker. Every little bit of bad news is delivered by a person who may as well be informing me that they have Pepsi instead of Coke, but doesn’t give a rat's ass that it will change the rest of my day.

Today was different. Today I was prepared. Today I had apparantly done something right in the world and been granted a special dispensation from having to wait forever in order to not accomplish what I took time off work to do. I was at the DMV literally less than 30 minutes, and….AND! left with not one, but two stickers for two cars!!! Not only that, but the man who helped me actually smiled at me and told me to have a nice day. And I think he meant it.

This took me all day.

Our weekend was jam packed with family fun.

Saturday we went to a community event hosted by the Boys and Girls Club. Two other families went, and it is so cute to see our little ones, ages 5 months to 2 1/2 years. It was a great event and best of all, everything was FREE!! There was inflatable play equipment, various activity booths and even lunch! The lines were a bit long, but it was nice to get out. Last year Hayden had a blast on the giant inflated slide so we stood in line for that. When it was his turn, he slowly, but steadily climbed all the way up, then sat down at the top to survey his kingdom. The other kids had to go around him to slide down. They each got to go a couple times, but he took so long to finally slide down, that he only got to go once. He didn't ask to go again. He loved playing on the fire engine and ambulance. He snuggled right up to the cute EMT, and gave her a sweet smile when she said he could go sit up front to "drive." He also loved the fire engine, and was adorable in the huge boots, jacket and helmet. Our friend had time to snap a quick pic before the uniform got too heavy and Hayden simply fell over from the weight of it. He was a little less amused than us, but good natured about it.

Coincidentally, our niece had a soccer game across the street, so we wanted to go watch. Fillip and Logan went over first, and I met them a little later. Logan spent the afternoon in his stroller as we had the misguided impression that our exhausted little guy would fall asleep. Silly parents. He didn't complain about being in there, but didn't go to sleep either. He enjoyed visiting with Grandma Mickey and Grandpa Herman, and his cousins. Once I arrived, he was happy to scarf down an infinite number of grapes, nicely bit into small pieces, as I sat in the sun doing my Mamma Bird impression. Hayden kicked a soccer ball around with his cousin while Fillip helped his brother at Sideline Coaching the game.

At the start of the day, I was so happy to feel the change in weather. It was almost cool, with a strong breeze and the smell of brush fire in the air. Fall! Well, it was just a tease, as by the end of the afternoon, I was sweating and parched from the summer sun. At least I know cooler weather is on the way. I just won't tell my sweaters yet. By the end of the day we were all exhausted and hungry. The kids slept on the way home. We all devoured our delivered pizza, and most of us were in bed by 8:15pm.

Sunday we met some friends bright and early at the zoo. There was an event for zoo members, which apparently is not such an exclusive club. It was nice to see the animals more active. Usually, we see them in the afternoon when it is blazing hot and they are just laying there like big furry lumps. Well, except for the giraffes, but they are apparently "hot" all the time, if you catch my drift, wink wink. Every 20 minutes there was to be a presentation at various habitats, and we started the day, dutifully following the crowds to each one, catching a glimpse, then making the kids wait some more until the next one. Just as the elephants were about to come out, Hayden told me he had to go pee pee. This announcement in public results in us making a mad dash to the nearest restroom, carrying a tensed up toddler, out of breath and sweating profusely from the exertion and stress of making it in time. Sunday was no exception, but he did not disappoint. Despite going through the same routine with Fillip 10 minutes earlier, I was rewarded with that tiny trickle and his proud announcement that he was all done. We got a fleeting glimpse of those frisky giraffes on our way up, but headed right back down in time to see the elephant devouring a sapling. Aww, how cute. After a little while, Hayden's fever started rising back up from the night before and he was asking to go home. Considerate parents that we are, we took him out to breakfast where he sat slumped over in his high chair until Logan finished eating and we got our meals to go. Hayden didn't eat his sausage, and we didn't even call 911.

I had an afternoon on my own since my book club had a Sunday meeting. The book we read this month was written by a member's great aunt. It was her first hand account of escaping Russia after the Bolshevik Revolution. She was 5 years old when the pogroms began, saw unspeakable atrocities and came across the world with just her mother. The author was kind enough to let our book club come to her retirement home to talk about her book with her. She is a delightful lady who was so happy we were there, and especially happy with the icecream cake we served. It is truly an amazing account of a horrible time in history. To meet her now and hear of her life in the United States, you would never guess what she has been through. She has seen the best and worst of humanity, and somehow remained intact through it all. It was such a unique opportunity for all of us, and through our discussion, an inspiration to write down family history as we know it.

Returning home brought back the routine craziness that is our house. Hayden wasn't feeling great, but well enough to bounce off the walls. The boys are having a great time with Logan's birthday gifts, which we have been slowly rationing to them. Fillip's parents gave Logan a Tow Mater Riding truck (from the movie Cars) which is just adorable. It is low enough to the ground so Logan can push it along. We didn't even have to show him what to do. It makes all kinds of noises, lights up, and parts move around. It even has a cell phone that rings when you put it in its holder. Even Logan picks it up, puts it to his ear and says "hiya!" They were having such a great time exploring all the new stuff. It won't be long before they are racing up and down the halls on their trucks.

Logan went to bed early and I took Hayden to the store. He still wasn't feeling better and his stomach got upset. He is fully potty trained during the day, by his own efforts. On the very rare occasion he doesn't make it to the bathroom, he tells us he had an "assident." Well, that's what happened last night in the store, right there in the baby food aisle. He literally had an ass-ident, requiring us to go out the to car to get fresh clothes. It happened again when we got home, so I gave him a quick bath before bed. I feel so bad for him when this happens because he gets so upset. He tells me it makes him mad or sad, then apologizes or even cries. We aren't sure where this pressure is coming from. We have never scolded him for this and always tell him he is doing a great job. We don't make too big a fuss over the success, just so he won't feel like everything is riding on it. He was still talking about it this morning, and I tried to reassure him that it isn't a big deal. Since his tummy has been betraying him, he is in pull-ups today. He doesn't get upset about going in those. He seemed to understand he is only wearing them because he is sick, and will be back in "underwears" when he feels better.

Well, it's Monday and we are back to the grind. I woke up late. Traffic was bad, so I was feeling a bit surly by 8am. My day quickly turned around though. This morning two of my bosses (#1 and #4) headed down to the coffee cart and offered to grab me a cup. I gladly accepted and enjoyed 10 minutes of knowing my boss was getting me coffee. Happy Monday!

Last Call Has Come and Gone

Logan is weaned. He doesn't seem to mind and doesn't ask to nurse. I'm not as content about this.

For the last couple weeks, Logan was only nursing in the morning. I would wake him at 5:30am so we could spend a few minutes together before work. On Sunday I had Fillip get up with him, then haven't woken Logan all week. He isn't wild about cow's milk, but drinks it when he realizes that is his only option. Once he is used to this new routine, I may wake him to spend time together and give him cow's milk before work. Right now, I don't want to upset him, then have to leave, so I have been letting him sleep in.


Despite the fact that he was only nursing once a day, this has been quite uncomfortable for me. Last night I manually expressed some milk into the sink to alleviate some of the pressure in the two rocks on my chest. It was so hard for me to waste that milk, instead of getting Logan to take care of it. After years of making sure I kept my production up, drank Mother's Milk Tea when it was low, pumped morning and night, and watched everything I ate because it would get passed on, it was a mental leap to just pour that milk down the sink. However, I just felt that we would have to go through this process all over again if I gave in and nursed him to alleviate the pressure. When Hayden weaned, it was because I had lost my milk due to pregnancy, so never had to deal with the discomfort. Since I haven't been producing much recently, I am surprised that I am still so full after several days, and look forward to my body adjusting.

Although it is a relief to have my body back to myself, I am also very sad. I love the closeness and bonding of nursing a baby, and am so grateful to have been able to share this with Logan for his first year. Since we don't know if we will be having any more children, it is possible that I will never nurse a baby again. That is hard to digest. Despite my sentimentality and difficulty in letting him grow up, I know I will always fondly look back on this time and feel good about having the wonderful opportunity and ability to have a successful nursing relationship with my sweet boy.

Hayden at 2 1/2

At two and a half, I think Hayden now embodies all that is wonderful and terrible about two year olds. He is such a precocious little guy, drawing conclusions that surprise us, using new phrases all the time, being endlessly sweet and difficult and emotional.

Hayden has such a sweet heart. He is very affectionate with everyone around him, often giving hugs and kisses out of nowhere. He is very aware of who his immediate circle is, asking for people we haven't seen in a few days. He knows what they do, such as going to work or the store, and remembers seemingly trivial things, like the name of a little girl we met in the checkout line a couple weeks back. We are seeing the affects of his peers as he tries to use different expressions or pronunciations. He has told me "You say ok. I say K. K? K." As if that settles it. Although he uses words I consider pretty advanced like obnoxious and disgusting, he is also experimenting with baby talk like calling his stuffed frog Baby Rawa instead of Baby Robby. He crawls sometimes when playing, but makes it a point to tell me he is being a baby, asking for a baby cup or a baby spoon.The other sign of regression is his spontaneous bawling. It is exactly like Logan's when we tell him no, and there is absolutely no reasoning or talking with him when he melts down this way. So, he has to go to his room until he calms down. This is really obnoxious! This weekend the phrase of choice seemed to be "Should I…?" As in "Should I come out now?" "Should I eat my breakfast now?" "Should I hit my brother?" All said in the same impish voice, with a little smile and twinkle in his eye, like if he says it cute enough, we will always say yes, no matter what he is asking.

Hayden adores Logan, playing with him, bowling him over with hugs and kisses, bowling him over because he can, taking his toys, waking him up, and as of this weekend, getting him out of the swing! "I woke Logan. I got him out." What?! And, here comes Logan down the hall, still looking like he isn't quite awake. We are often telling Hayden to get off his brother, leave him alone, stop touching him, give that toy back, mind his own business, etc…. He reports everything Logan is doing, and mimics our encouragement and discipline of Logan, whether it is in walking or not touching the cat's water. Logan is his best audience and Hayden loves to get his brother giggling. In the car, we are already hearing "Stop! Logan's touching me!" We will look back to see that Logan barely has one tiny fingertip on Hayden's arm, or just the carseat, looking at him like "What? I'm not doing anything." And so it begins.

The question Why? is apparantly punctuation, as it is asked after EVERYTHING we say. He now sometimes answers himself. "Why? Because that is the way it is." "Why? Because I asked for that." I've started teaching him the game Candyland, and although he doesn't quite understand the progression around the board, he does like drawing the cards and finding the picture spots. Double yellow! Candy cane! We play after Logan goes to bed so there isn't interference and Hayden gets some one on one time. He went to bed one night and told me "Mommy, I schooled you in Candyland." Sure did.

He is getting mostly good school reports, telling us he is nice to his friends. As the older Two's class transitioned last week Hayden was more aggressive again, but seemed to stop much quicker this time, maybe realizing life is better when he is nice. He talks about things he does at school and will often remember what he had for lunch and what songs or art they did that day. He seems to really enjoy the art projects and I am interested to see if that develops as he does.

Hayden is still a good eater, but doesn't eat big dinners. He tends to play until we are mostly done, and just when we are ready to wrap it up, he will start to eat. We now tell him he has just a few minutes left, or set a timer. When that beeps, the meal is over. When he is eating the whole time, he can take as long as he wants. Often on weekends, breakfast takes a really long time because he eats so much. This is fine, and we wait patiently until he is full. Eggs are no longer on the menu for him, but he does love French Toast. Sausage remains the favorite, along with fruit.

He seems to be daytime potty trained. He wore "underwears" all weekend and stayed completely clean and dry. When we went out, I would have him go before we left and there was never a problem. He is comfortable using public restrooms, so being at a restaurant is fine. He always asks to go and I think it is as much to see more of the restaurant and alleviate boredom, as a strong need to use the bathroom. He is such a chatterbox, having complete conversations all on his own, especially in the bathroom.
"I go pee pee? No, I don’t. I go poopy? Yeah, I did. I sit on the potty, go poopy. I wear underwears. I no go pee pee in my underwears. I no wear pullups. K? K."

On Friday, his 2 1/2 year birthday, he had a low fever and threw up all afternoon. At Shabbat dinner, he lay in the towel covered couch with a cool cloth on his head so he could be near us, got to say the prayer over the wine, but was asleep by the time we had dessert. So sweet and pitiful, poor little guy. By Saturday night he had the same rash as Logan, which would be Roseola. Weird that they both threw up, but it was consistent.

He will tell anyone who asks, and many people who don't "I'm two and a half!" I don't know who taught him that, but it is cute. He is so independent, needing to do everything himself in a certain order. There is absolutely no trying to rush him or it just takes longer. Getting in and out of the car is a whole process, as is getting dressed or undressed, washing hands, etc… If we even try to help we hear an ear splitting "NOOOO!!! I DOOOO IIITTTTT!!!" Ok. Geez. We have taught him to sneak down the hall as he usually stomps everywhere he goes and those floors really reverberate, waking Logan all the time. He likes wearing shoes, but we did catch him barefoot last week, sneaking on his tip toes. It was so cute.

He remains obsessed with opening and closing the garage. Pushing the button ourselves for any reason, causes him to immediately meltdown. We are well aware of the indulgence of this, yet figure it's a battle we aren't willing to tackle. He enjoys getting to push the button, and we enjoy the peace. My car has a button built into the rearview mirror, not a remote. When Fillip drives my car, he lets Hayden come to the front seat to push that button and "drive" into the garage. It is so cute to see his delighted smile at getting to do this, proud and happy on Daddy's lap.

He is still so absolutely gorgeous with big green eyes and an easy, friendly smile and quick giggle. He loves to be tickled and wrestled, but also loves to sit and listen to a story. He is such a sweetheart, and I can't believe how lucky I am to have him.

Spot Takes a Dive

Our evening routine during the week is usually a fairly rapid succession of dinner, bath, bed. Logan crashes early and can easily be ready to sleep the night by 6:30pm-7:00pm. Once we finish dinner, I get the bath going and gather towels, diapers and jammies.

A couple nights ago, despite being so tired, Logan was fussy and I thought a bath might soothe his rash and settle him for bed. I started the bath, and as always, both boys had to be right at the tub to supervise, checking the water, making sure all appropriate toys were accounted for and that there was nothing out of the ordinary to set off a screaming fit. I was about to go get the towels, but hesitated, thinking that Logan has been more than capable of getting himself out of the tub for awhile, and is therefore very capable of getting himself in. He stands there and lifts his little leg to the rim, then puts it down, then puts his foot up, then puts it down. It is really cute to see.

That night I turned around for a second, and heard the splash as he dove in head first, fully dressed. I immediately fished that sputtering baby out of the water so he could catch his breath. Once he realized he was fine, he just sat there with a self satisfied grin to find himself fully clothed in the bath tub. Although he looked really cute sitting there, I feel like it was a barely averted disaster. Had he waited just 30 seconds, I would have been out of the room getting towels. I am so glad I listened to my gut and hesitated a moment. Going forward, they will need to stay in their seats at the dinner table until I am ready for them.

I often consider myself paranoid about certain safety issues, but now consider it so much more justified. Part of our routine is that Hayden lets the water out of the tub before getting out, since I am so worried that I will be getting one boy dressed and the other will jump back in. Another concern involves Hayden's love of the garage. He often plays that he is leaving, grabs a bag, tells us where he is going, and heads down the hall.
"Bye bye!"
"Where are you going?"
"On macation."
"Where are you going on vacation?"
"To the castle in my car." or "To UncleStevieAuntieJoycie" or "To Papa Ahnie garage, ride cart."
Yeah, he has a lot going on. As we were getting ready to leave one day, we found him already in the car in the garage. Since that day, I always lock the deadbolt to the door, and often have the flat lock set on the bathroom door (which strangely leads to the garage.) The garage is often over one hundred degrees and I have visions of the worst. Although I can be diligent in preventing so much, what really concerns me are the things I don't foresee.

See Spot Go!

THE BIRTHDAY PARTY
Logan's birthday party was Sunday, and we were very happy with how it turned out. We called it for 10am, keeping in mind afternoon naptimes for all the little ones. It had a sort of beach theme as the invitation was a pic of Logan on a boogie board. We had a few decorations and hanging fish. The fruit bowl had a pineapple top in the middle with little drink umbrellas stuck all around by my 9 year old niece who had a blast doing it. We served bagels and fixin's, blintz souffle, french toast casserole, green chili and cheese egg casserole, fresh fruit and cake. The only appetizers were a sort of kid buffet with Goldfish crackers, Danimals yogurts and string cheese. I made a punch of pineapple juice, orange juice, ginger ale with frozen strawberries and pineapple as ice cubes. Everything was delicious! The casseroles were made by the grandmas and a girlfriend, so I didn't even have to worry about those!

Logan napped through the first hour of his party, but I woke him at 11am so he could enjoy. My mom stuffed him to the gills, then stuffed him some more. That kid can eat, and my friend's french toast casserole was a big hit with him and the rest of the guests. He played for a few minutes then we stripped him down and served the cake. It was a beach scene with water, sand, a beach lounger, surf boards, beach balls, and gummi fishes. It turned out really cute and was fun to put together. Unlike his big brother at the same age, Logan dug in with gusto. He was covered head to toe with blue frosting. He had so much fun with his cake. Just when I thought he had fallen into a nice food coma and tried to take his plate, he stuffed another handful of cake into his mouth, and one in his ear. Fillip said he looked like Mel Gibson at the end of Braveheart when we took him out of the high chair.

Shortly after serving cake the guests started leaving as kids needed naps. We had about 45 adults and 20 kids and it was really a fun group. My MIL's bedrooms, filled with toys anyway, looked like Hurricane Kid had hit as instead of toys being neatly stowed they were everywhere! The front bedroom was a sea of toys with little heads bobbing around in there. I just love to see that and all the kids get along really well.

After cake he played for awhile and we went to open presents. He was so exhausted that it just seemed mean to try and keep him awake for gifts he didn't care about. He went down for his afternoon nap and Hayden had a good time opening Logan's presents. Well, at least the first couple until we opened a toy. Then Hayden just played with that. Logan got beautiful clothes, some fun toys and even Hayden got some presents. As party favors, each kid got a plastic bucket and shovel with their name on it in puffy paint. I got the buckets at a dollar store and wrote the names, and was so pleased with how they turned out!

When Logan woke from his nap he was pretty warm and fussy. His fever was about 102.5 and in a few minutes he threw up. It wasn't bad and only once so we figure he just ate waaay too much. Thank you Grandma Roz! ;) Poor little guy just wasn't himself and likely overwhelmed by the day. I think he was grateful when bedtime rolled around as he didn't make a peep before going to sleep.

ONE YEAR CHECK UP
Yesterday Logan had his one year checkup. His stats were good-
weight- 20 lbs, 4 oz (including his toy phone) 10th percentile
length- 29 inches 25th percentile
head- 17 1/4 inches

His growth curve has been consistent so no worries about him being a tiny little guy. When I undressed him, I noticed a spotty rash over his entire body. Since my girlfriend mentioned her daughter had a heat rash from the party, I mentioned this to the ped. He said that it wasn't a heat rash since that usually doesn't appear over the entire body. Given the couple days of fever, it was roseola. Fantastic. I will be calling him Spot for the next couple days. The doc also asked about the other little girl's rash and said that one sounds like Fifth Disease because of the red cheeks (it turns out it's not, just another virus). Neither of these illnesses are harmful, but they are both contagious. Those kiddos may have taken home more than a personalized plastic bucket from the party! Logan is meeting all the milestones for his age and hammed it up a bit for Dr. J. He walked a bit, gave Dr. J high five, and waved. The only concern I had was that he doesn't want to drink much. He recommended flavoring the milk a bit, as that tiny bit of sugar is not harmful, and the benefits of having his milk are so important. He also suggested that the very occasional nursing is interfering with Logan wanting to drink from a cup. Logan does like drinking icewater through a straw, but still needs his milk. It looks like I will be completely weaning in the next few days. Logan is more ready than me. As always, I was happy with our appointment, as I truly think we have such a great doctor for the kids. He comes off as a medical professional, as well as a friend and fellow parent.

At one year old, Logan is doing great. I am looking forward to another fun year.

Logan is Walking!

Just hours after that last post, he decided it was time. My MIL brought him into the kitchen and he just took off toward me, walking halfway across the kitchen! I was so excited, and tried to get him to do it again and again. After a couple more times he was so over it. Now he will do it now and then throughout the day. Even Hayden is getting in on the action trying to get Logan to walk to him. Logan still realizes it is much faster to crawl to what he wants, but humors us here and there. We have got to get this on video! It is so cute to see that drunken gait. Sometimes he gets off balance, swings his hips front to back with knees out to the sides in a rather hip hop dance kind of move, and stabilizes again. Other times he accidentally swings himself around 45 degrees, so just goes that way. Each time he has this gleeful, amazed expression on his face. So fun!!

Logan at One Year

Time really flies. In two days, just two days!, Logan will turn One Year Old. He is still such a baby to me. Although it is not fair to constantly compare the two, Hayden seemed so much older to me at the same age. Likely, because I can now compare the two side by side.

Logan is such a character. His bright blue eyes show such intense emotions, whether happy, sad, or mad. His smile is contagious and spreads to his entire face. His eyes light up with a mischievous glint, especially right before he takes off. His favorite game is to have us chase him. He sits up, leaning slightly forward, poised for takeoff, looking back over his shoulder until we start to move forward. Then he races away with his half crawl, half scoot, giggling all the way. Sometimes, I can tickle his back a few times before “catching” him. Sometimes, he decides he is caught, and just rolls over. He loves when Hayden chases him as well, despite the guaranteed full body tackle at the end, with Hayden saying “tickle tickle!” His next favorite game is peek-a-boo. His little hands cover his face for a few seconds while we call “Where’s Logan?” then he puts his hands down, revealing an impish grin. He usually starts this at the end of a meal when he is done and looking to be entertained until we all finish and leave the table. He really had his Nana, Fillip’s Grandmother, going this last week. So cute to see that interaction. The boys play well together, and Logan is learning to hold his own. He is just as likely to grab a toy from Hayden as vice versa, and screams bloody murder when a toy is taken from him. There is no compromise on this as far as he is concerned. He still does his silly giggle, but not as frequently. It is easy to get him to belly laugh by nuzzling him, tickling, chasing him, or in Hayden’s case, just being nearby. He plays independently pretty well. He likes to put things in and out of other things. If I give him a pot and lid, he will put another toy in the pot and take the lid on and off. Anything remotely shaped like a cup or bowl, no matter how big, he pretends to drink from. Sometimes we see his head tipped back with a plastic bowl at his mouth that is literally bigger than his whole head! He loves to mimic Hayden, especially at meals. If Hayden is kicking the table or stomping his chair, so is Logan. If Hayden is screaming, so is Logan. If Hayden is making funny noises, so is Logan. This will be extra fun if Hayden ever decides to stick jellybeans in his nose or shave the cat.

He stands independently all the time, playing with a toy, turning to look at something behind him, even bending to pick something up and righting himself. He will take a couple steps here and there, but to actually get somewhere, he goes back down to the floor. His crawl is unique. One side of him does a textbook crawl, while the other has a leg tucked under him that scoots along or sometime puts a foot on the ground. Despite this crazy motion, he is VERY fast! He is talking more and more with a few consistent words. He is starting to say Ma to me, and I choose to believe he is now using it with meaning. He has been saying Dada for awhile for everything, but has a particular inflection when calling to Fillip. He approaches us now and says “hiya!” in greeting and I’ve been told he has a sound for Hayden, although I haven’t heard it. About 75% of the time we can get him to wave goodbye. Once he starts, he will keep it up for about 5 minutes, getting us to engage in the game by waving back. He navigates stairs with ease going, up and down. When it is time to go down, he backs up a couple feet until his little foot finds the edge, then slowly lowers it, descending very carefully and deliberately. He uses this approach to get off of everything, so that when we see him crouch and start backing up (beeeeep....... beeeeep....... beeeeep....) we know he is thinking to take himself down off the bed, changing table, out the cat door, etc… He doesn’t yet comprehend that some things are higher than others.

He wants to use a utensil at every meal and is getting pretty good with it. Often, he picks up a piece of food to place it on the spoon, before the bite makes the precarious journey to his mouth. This is usually followed by him shoving a fistful of food into his mouth with slurps and grunts. This kid loves to eat and it is an amazing thing to watch. He is so incredibly messy, but must have a hollow leg. At school his teachers brag to us about his efficiency with a spoon. We joke at home that they are celebrating the fact that they have one less baby to hand feed! Logan absolutely loves to eat and prefers carbs to anything else. He will eat meat, especially if we mix it into pasta or rice, but often spits out veggies, even when hidden. Broccoli is the worst thing we could give him, being spit out with a scowl, and him then carefully picking through the rest of the food on his tray. He does love fruit and will eat an unlimited amount of berries. Some days, that is all he wants until he carb-loads at dinner. Last night he ate about a full cup each of rice, beans and mac and cheese, along with half a chicken thigh. He points to various things on the table to let us know what he wants. Although he still nurses here and there, he now drinks cow’s milk, but isn’t too fond of it. At school he gets bottles, but seems ready for sippy cups all day as he isn’t too attached to a bottle. Rather than drinking something down all at once, he seems to prefer sipping at a beverage throughout a meal.

He is a good sleeper, but a light sleeper. At school, he takes a morning nap, but the afternoon nap is hit and miss. He now sleeps on a cot, rather than a crib as once the babies can stand up, they get evicted to make room for the tiny infants. He is in the process of transitioning to the toddler class right now. On the days when he naps in the afternoon, our dinner and evenings are much easier. Not surprisingly, when he misses that nap, he is cranky halfway through dinner and ready to sleep at 7pm. His teachers clearly adore him, bragging about his latest accomplishments and showering him with affection. He always naps at Mickey’s house, as she uses her Grandma magic to get him to do things he would never do for anyone else. While at Grandma’s house, he takes great delight in getting into everything he can. When Grandma says “come here” he takes off the other way. Each day when I pick him up I get reports of what a little imp he is. Bedtime routine starts right after dinner. The boys take a bath, get to play for a few minutes, then go to bed. For awhile Logan absolutely hated his bath, but after a few weeks of only showers, he is happy again in the tub. Once he starts pouring water on the floor or throwing toys out, he is done, toweled and jammied up. He nurses first thing in the morning and at bedtime. The tiniest distraction at bedtime, and he won’t nurse at all. The time for complete weaning is rapidly approaching. He gets a snuggle, then put in his crib. Half the time he goes to sleep without a fuss and half the time he cries for a few minutes before going to sleep. He loves to snuggle his face in his blankie, often waking with his head wrapped up. I hate this, but am unwilling to take that blankie away since that is his comfort. We peek in on him every night, but very quietly as he is easily woken by this. If he wakes up, it will be awhile before we get him down, with much screaming, and multiple wakings throughout the night. We go in very, very quietly, like Elmer Fudd hunting wabbits. Fillip constantly says "Don't poke the sleeping dragon!"

Logan is such a sweet little boy, often crawling over for hugs and snuggles, trying to kiss us and talk with us. He is still so Delicious, impossible not to respond to. As he grows we see more and more of his very distinct personality coming out, and it is such a joy to get to know him more everyday. His babyhood has passed quickly and I look forward to seeing him blossom into toddlerhood.

Shape of a Mother

http://shapeofamother.blogspot.com/2006_07_01_shapeofamother_archive.html

This website was brought to my attention by a fellow Chat Board Member. Thank you Laurel! I stayed up looking at this way too late into the night. The women on here are all shapes and sizes, have had the whole range of experiences related to childbirth, and are all heart breakingly beautiful for it. Like most recent mothers, I lament what my body used to be. When I found out I was pregnant I was in the best shape I had ever been in. I had the arrogance and naivete to believe I could still exercise and stay in shape, despite being pregnant. Nothing was gonna stop me! Hah!!! Sure, I still believe I could have done all that, but I didn't. Not even close. Not surprisingly, two rapid pregnancies, three years, many excuses, and no exercise later, I am a soft, squishy girl. By most standards, I recognize that I am extremely lucky. I am a healthy weight, without taking extreme measures. My clothes (the few that even fit me) look fine on me. My stretch marks are minimal, and even the linea negra is not too obvious. Despite all that, I am still self concious about my appearance, and miss my previous "hot bod."

Looking at the women who have so bravely posted their pics and reading their stories has made me more appreciative of who I am. My body is in reasonable condition, my birth experiences were far from traumatic, and I have two perfect healthy boys. Aside from the cosmetic issues, so many of these women have been to hell and back. Who am I to complain? Even if birthing my sons resulted in two healthy boys and a third arm on me, I would still be lucky!

Take a look at the link if you are so inclined. You will read stories of wonderful mothers who have dedicated their heart, soul and their beautiful bodies to nurturing the next generation. I am in awe.

It all adds up

Hayden is obsessed with garages, specifically opening and closing them. From the time he was first learning to talk, he would talk about the garage- ahwaj. One of my favorite Hayden stories was catching him with Logan when Logan was only a couple weeks old. I had put Logan on the couch while I ran upstairs for something. When I came back down, I found Logan staring intently at his big brother who was casually leaning on one elbow, looking Logan in the eye, and imparting this crucial bit of wisdom in a very serious voice- "Poooosh....ahwaaaj. Pooooosh.....ahwaaaj." Push the button in the garage.

Whenever we go anywhere, we hand Hayden the remote to open and close the garage. If we forget, he immediately gets hysterical in the backseat, crying "I want to push!" Sure, we could instill discipline and say life's tough, kid, but seriously it's not worth the drama. We just hand him the button. Before long, Logan will be interested and we will have to establish some sort of sharing criteria like Logan opens the garage and Hayden closes it. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. This morning, Fillip gave Hayden the remote as always. When the garage was closed, he took it back, and at Hayden's insistence handed him the 3-button remote to my IL's garage since they were on their way there. Hayden wanted both remotes and said "I want two buttons!" Fillip said that he already had 3 buttons on that remote. Hayden looked at the remote then asked for the other one saying, "I want four buttons!" He actually added 3 plus one and got four! In case you didn't already figure it out- My son is a freakin' genius! I was very impressed by this and as always, amazed by the incredible ability children have to learn.

No more Mr. Gummy Bear

Logan cut his first tooth! It's not exactly a surprise given how swollen his gums have been, the amount of drool we are paddling our boats through right now, the recent fever, and of course, the last 11 1/2 months of having no teeth. The day before I could see those teeth just beneath the gums, but he failed the spoon test. Yesterday, he easily passed the spoon test, much to his delight. What is the spoon test you ask? When I told Grandma Mickey that Hayden had cut his first tooth, but it was hard to see, she said a simple spoon test would settle it. She takes a metal spoon and taps it on the baby's gums. If the tooth has come through, you hear a distinctive "clink." Hayden hated when we did this, clamping his lips together as if we were trying to feed him poison. Logan was absolutely delighted with this, letting me do it over and over, giggling wide mouthed every time. I did say we saw teeth, plural, below the gumline, so I expect that next one will emerge shortly. Although I am sad to see these milestones pass, indication the end of his babyhood, it is sweet to see him catching up to Hayden is small ways, knowing that in no time at all he will be running just as fast.

Hayden is full of new phrases these days. He is using the words because, actually, I guess, I think, and last night he said "Logan is driving me crazy!" In all fairness, Logan was continuously screaming at the top of his lungs, unable to deal with life while he was so overtired. Hayden tried to remedy the situation by repeatedly yelling back "NO SCREAMING LOGAN!! STOP SCREAMING! I DON'T LIKE IT!!! STOP SCREAMING!!!" The phrase "driving me crazy" was pretty mild for my feelings about that moment. Last night after dinner they were playing so well together. Logan now likes to be chased, initiating this by crawling nearby with an impish grin, then quickly turning around and pausing, looking back at us over is shoulder until we make a move toward him. Then he takes off as fast as he possibly can, crawling with all his might and giggling endlessly. When we almost get him, he collapses in giggles and rolls over so we can tickle him some more. Usually, on his way racing up the hall, I tickle his back like I am barely missing him in the chase. Hayden seems to think the end goal is to catch Logan, then pin him down with his whole body. Logan doesn't care either way as long as someone, anyone chases him. Together, they are hilarious, each one playing off the other. As fun as they are now, it should only get better.

Oh the places you can go...

I came across this neat website today as I was sitting on indefinite hold with a department that delays payments indefinitely. Since mentally daydreaming about past and future vacations was much preferable to blindly drooling on my desk, I thought I'd play around with this. All that red makes it look very impressive! Looks to me like I should hit Idaho one of these days. The world map is especially deceptive as the only city I have seen in Russia is St. Petersburg, and I get credit for the entire country!

These are the States I have visited:


create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

These are the countries I have visited:


create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands

Benjamin Buford "Bubba" Blue

Logan has "got big gums."

His little gums are so swollen so those teeth must be trying to come up. No surprise since he is nearly a year old. That very first tooth is bound to pop out soon. He is teething, but mostly I think he realizes there are things he wants to tell us, which is really difficult when you can't talk.

Logan has become quite the little communicator these days. Read: screamer. He does have the sound "da" which he uses in all contexts. The other night he was so angry with me for giving him a bath, Fillip came in to see what I was doing to torture the poor kid. "Da da da daDA DADADADDADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He puts his leg up over the side of the tub, shimmies up and over, sliding across the bathroom like a wet naked penguin when I don't get him out quick enough. Ok, ok. I'll let you get out. Sheesh! He then proceeded to scream bloody murder everytime I came near him, and ramped it up even higher when I tried to nurse him. As soon as Fillip would take him, he would snuggle up and lay his head contentedly on Fillip's shoulder, watching me suspiciously. If I dared take him, "dadadaDADADADADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Sweet kid. Although I generally do realize it isn't personal when the kids start to favor one of us, this time I really wanted to cry. He now gets showers from Daddy and we are all happier.

Logan has become aware of things he wants, especially at meals and even more so if it is something Hayden has. Logan will stuff his face until he gets thirsty. Then he starts to swipe his food onto the floor and reach for his drink. Once we realize it, we hand it to him and he greedily gulps until he is DONE, then tries to throw it on the floor and goes back to eating. Last night I gave Hayden some applesauce at the end of dinner. Apparantly, Logan really wanted some. He started carrying on and had the angriest look on his face while he leaned over his tray toward Hayden, making himself practically turn purple. When I brought him some applesauce he gave me the silliest triumphant grin, like he was so proud of himself for telling me what he wants. He now throws himself backwards when he is angry and managed to flip himself right off the couch yesterday while I was sitting with him. It was a very ugly "thump!", but he seems to be just fine. I made the grave error of trying to get him to take an afternoon nap on Saturday, and he was so angry and crying so hard that he simply stopped breathing for a few seconds while he wound himself up for the next sob. I actually thought he might cause himself to pass out. Oy, I don't want to deal with that! So much for our initial thoughts that he was the milder of the two. I don't think so. Fortunately, he is still so baby that I can usually hold and snuggle him, and the other day he nearly fell asleep as I picked him up after that thwarted afternoon nap. Most of the time he seems very happy to be put in his crib, immediately snuggling his face into his blanket and coyly peeking up at me with a silly grin, before quickly turning his face away again.

Hayden has become an easy kid once again. He still challenges me, but not nearly so much or so stubbornly. His new phrases are so cute to hear and he impresses random people with his counting and observations. On Saturday, we all hung around in the backyard all morning. Logan crawled in and out of the playset while Hayden played with his chalk. I asked him to draw the letter D and he did! It was backwards, but I get that since he is left handed like me, and I remember always writing everything backwards. I was just so proud of him for knowing that. We went to the beach yesterday and I just have to say once again how great it is when just the two of us are there. It is relaxing and he is so cute playing in the sand and talking with me. He probably likes the individual attention as much as I do, and responds accordingly. What a little sweetheart. As he was leaving with Fillip a few days ago I called out that I love him. His response was "I love you back, Mommy!" That makes it all worth it.

And I didn't even cry

Hayden finally has a lunchbox! We went to Target yesterday for the big event. I just love watching him pick out anything as he is so decisive. There were several to choose from ranging from cute animals to sports to characters. We eliminated them one by one. He would say "I like dat one" and bring it into the cart. Then I would introduce a new one, and he would pick between the two, saying "I don wan dat one" and putting it back on the shelf. In case he was simply wanting the newest one, I would reintroduce them in different combos to make sure we got the one he liked best. He was very consistent in his choices. Once he saw that some came with matching water bottles as well, it had to be one of those. I guess he saw the added value. Despite encouraging him to get the cute green dinosaur, the one with the built in baseball game, or the Spiderman lunch box, my boy picked what I like to call the gangsta lunchbox. It is gray with orange graffiti all over it.

Me- "Sweetie, look! This one has a racecar on it!"
Hayden-"No, I don like dat one."
Me-"What about this one? It has a water bottle, and Spiderman!"
Hayden-"No, I wan dis one."

It was literally the most hideous one there and far and away his favorite. Go figure. It's probably a good thing he picked my least favorite one. Maybe, unlike his mom, he will be the coolest kid in class. Well, even if he isn't, he won't be the least cool kid in class.

Knowing too little too much

Poor Logan is sick. I got in after midnight from a work event last night to find him burning up. I didn't take his temp last night, just dosed him with Tylenol, but his temp was about 103F this morning. He went to school because when Fillip dropped off Hayden he was told it is fine if there are no symptoms since it could be teething. However, I wasn't surprised to get a call this afternoon saying Logan needs to come home. The fever was back up and he was cranky and wouldn't eat. His teachers know him well enough to worry when that little chowhound turns down a snack. Poor baby.

****POTENTIALLY TOO MUCH INFO HERE...CONSIDERED YOURSELF WARNED****
I've mentioned this before, but Hayden is obsessed with genitals. He is constantly confirming who does and does not have a penis. He will ask anyone around, and then confirms it with me again later. I keep telling myself this is perfectly natural....right? When he asks if I (or any other female) has one, I always just say no, girls don't have those. For the last couple months this has been sufficient. I should have known that wouldn't do for long. This morning I was going to the bathroom and Hayden asked the very perceptive question "Mommy, do you go pee pee from your butt?"

Logan at 11 months (and one week, cuz I'm a slacker)

Logan is simply described as Delicious. He is such an adorable baby. Yes baby. I am unwilling to let go of his babyhood just yet, despite signs of pending toddlerhood. He is such a cutie with an easy smile and a twinkle in his eye. His teachers at school clearly adore him, and most days we arrive to find him getting a cuddle from one of them. He is pretty easy going, although goes from happy to mad in an instant, no warning ramp up. His eyes are still a light and brilliant blue that people stop to comment on. He doesn't have even one tooth, and I like it that way. My little gummy bear. He crawls like a bat out of hell when he wants to get somewhere, a speed much faster than I can just walk. This is usually brought on by chasing Hayden, realizing the cat food and water is on the floor and unprotected, or that a toy must be thrown out the cat door. For some reason, he has decided the cat door is a toy depository and Logan's escape hatch. Even from across the house, I can tell when he suddenly takes off with one hand crawling, and the other sliding the portable wipe container that it is on it's way to the side yard. He loves the cats and isn't too violent with them. We are working on "nice," but it is a lengthy process. These days Logan really likes turn taking games. When he hands me something and I take it, a huge smile lights up his face. He also loves putting things in and out of containers, and it is fun to watch him completely immersed, hunched over his toy, concentrating on what he is doing. He shows signs of recognizing what hole is correct for a specific shape, but doesn't quite know to turn the piece until it is right. He is very clingy to me at home, wanting to be held constantly. I think this is partially because he is so tired at the end of the day when I see him. He barely hangs in there through dinner, then crashes quickly after his bath.

He is an amazing eater for a couple reasons. The first is the sheer quantity of food he consumes. People watch in amazement as he packs it in, not very picky about what we give him. When he finishes a helping, he holds his hand out toward the table to get more. He likes to have a drink, but loses interest quickly and throws it on the floor. The other reason he is amazing to watch at mealtimes is the incredible mess he makes. At the end of every meal he is completely covered with food. Not much gets on the floor these days as we know that once he starts throwing his food down, he is done. This is non-negotiable. After the first couple tosses, anything offered is met with him turning his head away in complete rejection. He makes the funniest face these days. He puckers up his lips, then tucks them up under his nose, scrunching up his entire face, making a breathing noise through his nose. It is really funny to see and me and Hayden constantly try to make him do this. Logan is starting to hold his own with Hayden. He is just as likely to grab something from his big brother as have something taken away. If we see this, we correct him so Hayden can see we want things fair for him as well. We find ourselves defending Hayden more often these days. Hayden does take things as well, but is getting better about giving them back.

In the car, Hayden often has little snacks like Goldfish crackers. Logan knows this and has certain expectations. He is still rear facing in his carseat, but he and Hayden have a great view of each other. When Hayden has a bag of snacks we just see a tiny Logan hand reach out waiting for Hayden give him a snack. Hayden always does. That little expectant open hand is so cute.

One thing Logan hates is diaper changes. It is so hard to keep him pinned down for that simple task, frustrating everyone involved. Just when I think I've finally got it, the diaper is on ready to be secured, he scoots himself backward halfway off the changing table and out of the diaper. Then he complains that his head is hanging down. Yeah, no duh.

Sadly for me, he is really wanting to wean. I have stopped pumping after two excursions to my office Lactation Room gained a total of 2 1/2 oz of milk for the day. That is totally not worth it. I could try bulking up on Mother's Milk Tea, but frankly am not wanting to do that. It doesn't look like it will make enough of a difference, and my plan of weaning at one year is really close. At home, he hardly nurses, if I get two minutes I'm lucky. Yesterday morning he only nursed on one side, leaving me lopsided and extremely engorged on the left. After a couple attempts, he finally gave me some relief last night before bedtime. This morning he nursed on both sides for a total of about 5 minutes. Once he is done, he is on the go. No sweet snuggles for me. He is just too busy. Despite being so active, even when I wake him in the morning, he goes right back in his crib without a fuss. It's like he knows he is so tired and a little relieved to just lie down.

He often says Dada now, and sometimes Mama. Fillip is more convinced than me that he is using these meaningfully, and also swears he says Dayden for Hayden. He is still not walking, but frequently stands independently holding a toy or watching something. He doesn't fall, but carefully squats back down, as if too cautious to take a step. When he is mad, he now throws himself forward, barely missing cracking his face on the floor, looking up with a scowl and a yell, then pivoting to do it again in another direction, like a bobbing, yelling compass. This is just too funny to watch sometimes. He loves to have us blow on his belly, which is a good thing because it is irresistable. He is so soft and squishy, still so baby and I hope it lasts!

Hayden at 17 months (oops, I mean 29 months!)

As of yesterday, Hayden is now 17 months old. Can I just start saying two and a half? I think so. He is such a fun little boy with an easy smile and friendly personality. His favorite pasttime at home is racing around on his farm truck. He banks the corners, catching a little drift and even gets some speed wobble down the hall. He rarely tags Logan, having finally learned that even "accidentally" running into his brother gets his license immediately revoked for the remainder of the day, farm truck put out of reach. On weekends he loves the beach, having gotten braver about it with each trip. He now likes the water in addition to playing in the sand. He is such a joy at the beach, really good company, staying nearby and looking out for Logan with me. He equally loves going swimming, fearlessly jumping in from the side, getting dunked and learning to shoot the crazy hydraulic water gun at Tami's house. The green one. Samantha likes the blue one.

Since he switched classes at school, life there is much improved. He is more likely to take a nap, and rarely acts aggressively toward his classmates. He is starting to tell us about his day. "I did art. I read stories." I love this. I can usually ask some pretty good leading questions about what supplies he used based on what is on his shirt. Yesterday he looked at me in amazement when I asked if he used glitter and orange paint. Recently, his class decorated sun visors. He proudly wears this all the time. It is so cute to see him take pride in it. He is now obsessed with birthdays. He knows for birthdays you get to blow, and is crushed when it isn't his turn. When my FIl and MIL blew out their candles last week, he immediately burst into tears as if someone had just dropped something on his foot. We looked on in wonder until he said "I wanted to bloooooowww!!!" Oh. Sorry kid. He loves to help us bake and cook, and it makes me equally happy. Now and then, Fillip takes Logan out with him, and I keep Hayden up late in the kitchen. His teachers have just brought to light a new issue. The lunchbox request revisited. Hayden knows everyone keeps their lunchboxes in their cubbies, and that the lunchboxes contain treats. He systematically retrieves the treats (an Andes mint, a cookie, a piece of fruit), kindly leaving the actual sandwich undisturbed. He then takes his loot to a couch in the classroom, and quietly eats it while the other kids play. Now, I do know this isn't right, and Fillip dutifully told the teacher we would talk to him about it, but the image just cracks me up. My little scrounger. I guess I really need to get him that lunchbox after all. We will fill it with the best treats!!

Potty training ebbs and flows, so to speak. Since we are The Worst Potty Trainers Ever, he started to backslide, and we are now encouraging him more. He is good about it, but does forget when he gets involved with something. He can now count to 13 very easily, 20 with little prompting, and is very familiar with the numbers through 40. He constantly sings new songs and uses new phrases. It seems that the tune to Twinkle Twinkle gets stuck in his head, and he ends up just singing jibberish to that tune. He is very aware of his brother, trying to boss him around, wrestle hm down, have Logan walk holding his hands, gives him lots of kisses, and imitates Logan's new baby talk. He gets strongly corrected when calling Fillip Dada. He calls me Mama, but I figure he'll get over it and it doesn't bother me. Lately, he definitely is challenging me. He acts as if I hadn't even spoken, or tells me he doesn't want to. Grr. He also generally says no to everything we ask, then tells us he really wants it. I've started warning him that his next answer is his final answer, and the offer won't be made again. I did not get a kiss goodnight last night :( Overall, he is such a cutie and I got to see him with two other boys around his age this week. The difference was astounding. The other boys were raucous, crazy and completely out of control. Although my boys definitely challenge me, their behavior in comparison was exemplary. I was so proud of them! It is amazing to see this little boy of mine as he is building relationships at school, and becoming his own person. I am so proud of him and hope he always knows that.

Oscar the Grouch...

...would be very happy in my car. It's not just the clothes, toys, trash and quantity of crap that would make him at home. My car has developed an awful stench that rivals the inside of our garbage cans sitting outside in the baking sun day after day. We can not find the source of this. There is no rotting food. The sippy cups and travel mugs Fillip absentmindedly leaves have been removed. All pets are accounted for. The heat wave has broken and this morning it was 67F driving in to work. All my windows were wide open as I tried to air it out. If this isn't resolved soon, I may need to have it professionally cleaned. Me and my car shudder at the thought.

A sign

Our landlords listed our house yesterday. No warning. No discussion. When we came home there was a sign in the yard. What? Didn't they say they weren't going to list it until November? Yeah, that's what they said. Fillip called to talk about it and the landlord said that no it isn't listed, shouldn't be listed, the realtor made a mistake and was supposed to bring us a lease. Um, really? Funny, because she called to say she listed it at their direction at the price they chose. These people are simply incapable of being honest. Bastards.

Sooo... stay tuned.

My Little Heartbreaker

Hayden seriously breaks my heart. Lately, I have been trying to be a much milder Mommy. I am trying to communicate with him about our feelings, much less yelling, clearly stating my expectations and giving specific, enforced consequences when he isn't doing what he is told. These days, he acts as if I am mute. I know he isn't deaf, as he does what Fillip says, then acts as if I haven't even spoken. Last night we had major drama.

Over the weekend, I began Hayden's haircut. Usually, he is rather squirmy for this, but Sunday he was hysterical. You would have thought I was pulling his arms out of the sockets by the way he carried on. I couldn't help but wonder what the neighbors were thinking, since we were in the backyard. I kept audibly telling Hayden I didn't know why he was so upset over a haircut and hoping they would be rude enough to peek through the fence to confirm that is all we were doing to him. I got most of it buzzed, but gave up on trimming the edges.

Last night, I could no longer tolerate the mullet. While Fillip bathed Logan, I brought out the trimmer again. I spoke to Hayden quietly. I showed him on my hand that it won't hurt. He willingly let me put the trimmer on his own hand, showing no hesitation or fear. Then, I put the trimmer to his hair. He had the same reaction as he did on Sunday. After repeated attempts to calm him down, and him still screaming and crying hysterically after I turned it off, I just put him in his room and closed the door. Then I went to my room, closed the door, turned the fan on high, turned the radio on LOUD, and put a pillow over my head to silence that screaming. I felt like absolute shit for bringing my child to that state, even though I knew I hadn't hurt him and was not doing anything harmful. I don't know why he was so upset, and despite the fear being irrational, I was desperately trying to address that fear, with absolutely no success. Fillip bathed him and got him ready for bed. I read him a brief story and told him that he made me sad. His response was that I made him sad. Yah, I know. That much was clear.

After a very stressful afternoon, and even more stressful evening, once the kids were in bed I grabbed my keys and headed out for some retail therapy (I bought nothing) and a milkshake (I bought two.)

Another busy weekend

Another busy weekend has flown by with only the memory of a giraffe penis to show for it. Summer is so much fun with outdoor activities, but some weekends I feel like it is nonstop!

Saturday we had a fairly early birthday party, after a checkup for Logan. His ears and lungs are clear- yippee!! He got is 6 month shots, nearly 5 months late. Poor kid. He didn't cry for the first one, and made barely a peep for the 2nd one. What a brave soul. He has been tired the last couple days, but that could be due to our whirlwind schedule. The birthday party in the park was nice, but a little hectic. The kids wanted to run around, but there wasn't a playground, so it was an effort to keep them entertained and contained. Hayden was excited to sing Happy Birthday and get a cupcake, which he of course didn't eat. He and Logan were subsisting on Goldfish crackers with juice for Hayden. In the afternoon they napped and we did housework and errands. The typical Saturday afternoon.

On Sunday, Hayden and I took an impromptu trip to the zoo. Although the heat wave had broken, it was still damn hot there. Before we had even arrived at any animal enclosures we were drenched in sweat. Hayden likes to stand on the stroller to see each animal. This is fine, but it is hard to get him to sit back down to move on. He loves any of the aquatics and seems fascinated by water. Each new habitat brought the request to go swimming. Any animal that did not have water as part of the habitat gave Hayden great concern. He would ask again and again where the water is and why he couldn't see it.

Nature being what it is, the animals were doing all kinds of things not acceptable in polite human society. The alligator actually could have been a prop. It didn't move at all, likely due to the heat. Hayden wanted to know where its Daddy was. The just prompted me to want to ask the alligator "Who's your Daddy?" The lion apparently desperately needed to lick its private parts, much to the delight and disgust of the teenage boys watching at the time. He then rolled over, belly up, to take a nap in the shade. He looked like a very happy kitty. The ibex needed to pee, and pee, and pee. This was literally a continuous stream for at least two minutes. Since this is something Hayden can relate to, I finally had his attention. He called the zebras horsies and wouldn't believe otherwise. We found out that Duiker means "diver" in Afrikaans, and that those little antelope are adorable. The animals that got the most attention however were the giraffes. I had forgotten that there was a baby giraffe, but really gave it little attention. Two of the giraffes were mating...graphically....right next to where the people stand to watch them. There were a lot of people watching the show, so Hayden and I were trying to peer through the crowd. Well, that just brought us eye level to the giraffe's...ahem...junk. Each time the male would try another technique or make another attempt, the crowd would cheer him on. The ladies in front of us kept saying how disgusting it was, but they weren't moving for nothing. Like Fillip says, it's like a bad car wreck. You don't want to see, but you can't help but watch.

Later in the day we had a bbq/pool party to go to. We had a good time, despite two napless boys. They love the pool and there were chips and unlimited juice. That's all Hayden needs. Logan is a friendly little guy who would like to keep up, but a walk in the stroller with Daddy bested him. At 6pm he lost the fight and fell sound asleep. Fillip parked him in the middle of the yard, amid all the chaos, where he slept for nearly an hour. We were concerned that he wouldn't go to bed at a reasonable hour, but both boys went down just fine.

It was a good weekend, but I would sure like to fulfill Hayden's request to go back on vacation!

The Crucial Timing of Making Gummy Worms

The other night I got to attend my first parent meeting at the boys' school. I was all excited about this milestone, as I typically get. Fillip was surprised I didn't make cupcakes. Me too. Let's just say, this meeting didn't quite go as I expected. It turns out, we weren't all there to qvell over the perfection of our children, one-upping each other over who wields the green crayon better, but to let the director know just what a terrible job the staff is doing there. I didn't get that memo.

First contention- curriculum
The pre-K parents were up in arms about the curriculum not being taught. The Director, new within the last couple months, was prepared for this. She told us at least four steps she was taking to ensure that this problem was resolved. It was news to me that kindergarten is so difficult to get into! I just thought you needed to be about 5 yrs old in September when school starts. Little did I know. One parent went to the kindergarten orientation only to decide to keep her child back because she isn't qualified. She transitioned her child from another place where she was learning, but crying everyday because her teacher was mean. As this parent said "but, she was learning." As if that is enough. Obviously, she was aware that there were standards the children must meet to move on. Why wasn't she participating in the teaching process at home? Another lady disgruntedly announced that her child had been at this school since he was 2, was now 5, and she has been unhappy the whole time. Um, how apathetic are you to keep your child in a place you don't think is worth it for THREE years?

The parents then moved on to building security, suggesting architectual changes to make it more accomdating for them. They also have a problem with the calendar. Sometimes the calendar will say it is Gummy Worm Day on Tuesday, but they don't actually make them until Thursday. Since they entice their kids out of the house by the calendar, the kids think they are lying, and they have lost credibility with the little ones. When the Director said there have been staffing issues, and that is why activities needed to be rearranged, that started up a whole new firestorm. At that point, every tiny thing brought up, was a source of contention. "You never informed us that a kid had set off the fire alarm, making everyone evacuate. When my kids said they left the playground with lights and noises, I told him to stop telling stories!" First, what is wrong with a creative mind telling stories? Next, why didn't you inquire about that with the staff? My gf finally spoke up saying that when she drops her daughter off she asks each of the teachers what they are going to do that day. When she picks her up, she asks each of the teachers what they did that day. Whoa did those moms get defensive! "Of course I do that!" However, when it was mentioned that teachers had been rearranged among the classrooms, that mom was the first to throw her hand aggressively in the air, demanding to know why she wasn't informed that the teachers had been changed. She didn't know that teacher was teaching her child. Well, if she truly was communicating with the teachers daily, wouldn't she know?

I finally spoke up saying that we had 2 boys there, had to make a quick decision to enroll, and it had been a challenging few months, but that we had received nothing but support and accomodation from the staff there. We have been so happy with this place. Hayden sings new songs and plays new games all the time. He is clearly learning. When we didn't think his teacher was a good match (among other issues), he was switched to another class. Logan lights up when one of his teacher walks by, and I arrive to find them holding him, playing with him, bragging to me about his new accomplishments.

Sure, I now am aware that there were areas needing improvement that I was not aware of, but I was so resentful that these parents felt this forum was appropriate. As the evening wore on, I grew more and more frustrated sitting their listening to them say the same things over and over, knowing that my boys were going to bed soon. I finally got up and left before the meeting was over. I didn't get to see Logan that night as he was already in bed. I had a few mins to read to an overtired Hayden before he went to sleep, and the rest of the evening to try to shake the negativity I felt was clinging to me from that meeting. The next day I called the Director to reiterate what a wonderful job she and the teachers are doing, as well as get the actual policy information she had intended to share at the meeting.

Maybe I'm not quite ready for PTA President of the World, just quite yet.

A Little Fahklempt

Each morning I get up before dawn, feed Logan, then snuggle him in bed for about half an hour until I need to get dressed for work. Then I just put that sleepyhead back in his crib to sleep until Fillip gets up. He has decided, this plan doesn't work for him. Once he is done eating, he wants to play, disrupting anyone around. Snuggling is not an option. So, now I sleep half an hour longer, then get him up to feed him, and he hangs out with me while I get ready for work. He's right. This is a much better plan.

It is dark when we get up, and dawn breaks by the time I head out for the day. Yesterday morning Logan was playing in the family room, exploring every nook and cranny as only a burgeoning toddler can do. He was trying to get something off the end table, the surface of which is about the level of the top of his head. There was something so special about that moment. The sun was barely coming up, still feint enough and soft enough to be mistaken for moonlight if seen out of context. That soft white light was barely brushing the front of Logan as he stretched as tall as he could to reach the top of the table. Those little bare feet, still perfect and pristine, not yet gangly from walking, went up on tiptoe, his back slightly arching, with the hint of that round tummy in silhouette through his jammies. I don't know if it was the softness of the quiet light at dawn, or the sheer innocent perfection of his posture, but there was something so amazingly sweet in seeing him up on his little toes, reaching for what he could only imagine must be up there.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am rather sentimental. Last year I bought a cookbook that focuses on baking for bake sales. As I was telling Fillip that I would likely get rather teary-eyed the first time I had to bring something to Hayden's first bake sale, I choked up, hardly able to complete my sentence. Fillip just shook his head knowingly with an amused little smile, saying of course he knew I would cry. That's just who I am. Each new moment touches my heartstrings for the very sweetness of childhood. Hayden has recently been requesting a lunch box. We have had extensive discussions with him about it. It is such a cute request, and clearly an indication of him now being influenced by his peers. He is noticing what the others are doing, what they are carrying, and that they have lunch boxes.

I clearly remember starting each school year with my brand new lunch box. It was almost ceremonial the way we would go pick it out, the weighty decision in my hands as to whether to get the one with the Flintstones or the Jetsons, only realizing much too late on the first day of school how childish that was, when another girl had the Bee Gees on her lunch box. I didn't know who the Bee Gees were, but sensed that they were way cooler than the Flintstones.

So far, we have not taken Hayden to pick out his Very First Lunch Box. It's simple really, just another trip to Target, my home away from home. It's just that every time I picture him carrying his new lunchbox to school, I get kind of choked up. I mean, how grown up must he be to have picked a lunch box for school! He will compare what is on the outside, Bob the Builder or Thomas the Train, or Elmo. No, Elmo is for babies! Who knows, but he will make that decision for himself. The first of many where he learns to accept what he has chosen and gets excited each morning to show up at school with it. Then, there is the whole process of filling that lunch box. Do we keep him on the hot lunch program and just send crayons? Good crayons, with a sharpener, not the crappy waxy kind that don't really color, just rub off on the paper in clumps. Do I send him a sandwich? Lunchables? Fruit cup? Fruit rollup? Do they even still make that crap? Will the teacher read him little notes I include to let him know how very much I love him and how proud I am of him everyday, despite my best efforts to keep my little boy a baby?

There is a bigger issue here than fulfilling the request of a lunch box. The main thing holding me back is the sure knowledge of my embarassment when I am in tears, in Target, over the simple task of buying this momentous piece of childhood for my first born, knowing he is more independent each and every day.

Rose colored glasses? No, just pink eye

Hayden has pink eye....again.

I suspect the rest of us will get it.....again.

We went through this a few months ago. The kids each brought pink eye home from school- Hayden once, Logan twice, and I got double pink eye twice. I'll miss this new makeup I just bought after the last round.

My poor little guy looks truly awful with those goopy, glassy eyes. He also has a cold, which the doc thinks is caused by the same virus as the pink eye. Hayden doesn't believe in tissues, but instead likes to wipe his nose with the back of his hand, leaving a nice crusty streak across each cheek, complimenting the goo oozing from his red eyes. My handsome boy. When asked if it bothers him he always says no, so I am hoping that is true. The only complaint he has is with the eye drops. The first couple times Fillip gave them, he lay there placidly, unafraid, not objecting at all. I'm not sure whose that child was, as the boy currently residing in our house has decided that we are literally trying to put burning hot acid directly into his eyes. Therefore, he must fight us tooth and nail, screaming hysterically despite knowing it doesn't hurt, despite telling us he knows it makes his eyes feel better, despite repeatedly asking us for his eye medicine.

Happy Monday

Nothing starts my Monday better than stopping at the coffee cart for my iced vanilla latte and bagel. Well, nothing other than the cart blasting Play That Funky Music White Boy. Man, I just love that song!!!

We had a good weekend, chock full of sun and water. On Saturday, Hayden and I battled the traffic on PCH to get to the beach. Seems my idea to head down to the shore was not an original one on a Saturday afternoon in sunny southern california. Once we got there, it was a perfect beach day- hot and clear with big crashing waves. We had to park all the way at the end of Zuma, but the walk from the parking lot to the water is shorter there anyway. Hayden was so cute in his Cool Dude Sunglasses with his new bucket of sand toys. "I cool dude!" Yes. Yes you are. After being plied with french fries and a rejected milkshake on the way, he was content to play in the sand while I played whale on the blanket. Lest I fall asleep, he would check on me periodically with "wake up Mommy!" We had fun making triangles, stars and chevrons in the sand. He wanted no part of going in the water, begrudgingly accompanying me to get my feet wet. He sat crouched on the dry sand and eventually decided nuts to this and went to the blanket. Fortunately I could see him the whole time as I caught up with him at our blanket. He later came back to the water with me on the agreement that I would hold him. Watching Mommy get splashed was great fun. He fell soundly asleep on the way home, after melting down about everything he could think of. It's like when the Sleepies take over, they are these evil little beings. No wonder he fights it! Logan and Fillip seemed to have a good time together, although Logan was napping when I left, and again when I returned, so I felt bad about not having more time with him.

Yesterday was spent at a couple different pools. The kids both enjoyed themselves in the bath warm pool in the morning, but Logan was nonplussed in the cooler pool in the afternoon. For him "swimming" means hanging out in his float as a pool ornament. He just floated around with this funny disgruntled expression on his facing. He may not have been smiling, but the rest of us were at his expense. He did warm up when I played with him, but was highly (and loudly) offended when my gf tickled his feet under the water. Of all the indignities! Hayden is now bravely jumping off the edge of the pool into the water, as long as someone is holding his hands. He wanted to do this again and again and again and again, so we were making him climb out himself, until those little arms were shaking with fatigue. Once he got too tired, he walked away without a word to get his towel from Fillip. Once that kid is done, he is done. No fanfare needed. Both boys did enjoy dinner afterward, go figure. Logan must have a hollow leg for all that he can pack away. I love that both boys are such great eaters- in quantity and assortment. They will try anything, and like most everything. Hayden is funny in that he isn't wild about sweets. We crack up to hear ourselves say things like "eat two more bites of chicken and you may have more lima beans." Really, we can hardly keep a straight face at these times.

Weekends are so much more satisfying when we make it a point to get out and do things. Often we get bogged down in getting things done at home. The kids get restless, we all get cranky and I return to work on Monday feeling like I never got a break. Interesting enough, I got just as much done at home this weekend, despite being out so much. I just concentrate my efforts better while the kids are sleeping, rather than spreading it all out while trying to entertain, contain, referee the boys all at once.

Give me a medal

I finished the laundry!

Nomads

Our landlord told us they are selling our house. Although the market is terrible right now, this still means our time here is limited. I am so tired of moving. It seems that we will never buy a house in L.A., but we will never leave the area because we are near family, and they can afford to live here. They are our support system and the boys love them, seeing them several times a week, asking for them when they don't. We get to be here, struggling by default. I want to put down roots, call some place my own, make it a home. I want to paint the walls and put up curtains, and hang pictures. I want to mark the kids' growth on the walls to look back at fondly through the years. I want the kids to meet the neighbor kids and ride bikes together, and fall in love with the girl next door. One day, it would be so nice to look at a picture and have someone say "who's house is that?" and we respond "oh, that's our house. We painted it that color a few years ago. We thought it suited us better." I want the boys to roll their eyes that their mother ever thought taupe or mocha or latte was ever a nice color for a wall. One day when we do move, I want them to get kinda teary eyed because that is the house they grew up in, and it is hard to let go. I don't want someone to ask them "where did you grow up" and have their response be "oh, here and there." I guess there are things about my childhood I would duplicate.