Hayden seriously breaks my heart. Lately, I have been trying to be a much milder Mommy. I am trying to communicate with him about our feelings, much less yelling, clearly stating my expectations and giving specific, enforced consequences when he isn't doing what he is told. These days, he acts as if I am mute. I know he isn't deaf, as he does what Fillip says, then acts as if I haven't even spoken. Last night we had major drama.
Over the weekend, I began Hayden's haircut. Usually, he is rather squirmy for this, but Sunday he was hysterical. You would have thought I was pulling his arms out of the sockets by the way he carried on. I couldn't help but wonder what the neighbors were thinking, since we were in the backyard. I kept audibly telling Hayden I didn't know why he was so upset over a haircut and hoping they would be rude enough to peek through the fence to confirm that is all we were doing to him. I got most of it buzzed, but gave up on trimming the edges.
Last night, I could no longer tolerate the mullet. While Fillip bathed Logan, I brought out the trimmer again. I spoke to Hayden quietly. I showed him on my hand that it won't hurt. He willingly let me put the trimmer on his own hand, showing no hesitation or fear. Then, I put the trimmer to his hair. He had the same reaction as he did on Sunday. After repeated attempts to calm him down, and him still screaming and crying hysterically after I turned it off, I just put him in his room and closed the door. Then I went to my room, closed the door, turned the fan on high, turned the radio on LOUD, and put a pillow over my head to silence that screaming. I felt like absolute shit for bringing my child to that state, even though I knew I hadn't hurt him and was not doing anything harmful. I don't know why he was so upset, and despite the fear being irrational, I was desperately trying to address that fear, with absolutely no success. Fillip bathed him and got him ready for bed. I read him a brief story and told him that he made me sad. His response was that I made him sad. Yah, I know. That much was clear.
After a very stressful afternoon, and even more stressful evening, once the kids were in bed I grabbed my keys and headed out for some retail therapy (I bought nothing) and a milkshake (I bought two.)