TO: Boss #2 of 4 (soon to be #3 of 6)
FROM: Your dedicated assistant
RE: Office etiquette
FYI- That black thing I am holding to my ear is called a telephone. If I am holding it to my ear, that means I am talking with someone on the other end. If that is the case, go away!! I'm not available. Otherwise, please say "excuse me" so I can put that person on hold and find out what you need. If you are just curious as to what I am currently doing, well, I am talking on the phone! That is a big part of my job as I answer calls for all you who are just simply too busy to pick up that black thing by yourself. and yes, I do have personal calls too. Deal with it.
Also, I am more than happy to help you with any reasonable request. Being an assistant, that is the very description of my job- assisting. However, when I tell you that I am not authorized to move your 401K, take official fingerprints being not certified by the Dept of Justice, or am just too damn busy to make the same copies (again!) of expense reports from your former company, know that I mean no disprespect, but it's just not going to happen. Anything I am able to help you with, I can and do, including personal reservations, travel, newspaper clippings, getting your lunch, toasting your bagel, wiping your ass, etc...
Please don't hold me responsible for keeping track of receipts you hand me while I am being taken out by someone else for my birthday. Contrary to popular belief, I don't keep a file folder on me at all times and if you hand it to me on the way back from lunch, it will likely stay in the pocket of that coat, that ultimately I will leave at someone else's house for weeks on end. Maybe you could try just paying for your own lunch now and then, rather than meeting your buddy and always billing it to the company as a business meeting. Better yet, maybe you could buy my lunch as thanks for being your personal slave 5 days a week.
Just so I don't seem completely ungrateful to work for such a great guy as you-
Thank you so much! I truly appreciate the fact that you have let me know it is ok for me to take some time to enter the 100+ business cards into your Contact list that you have been collecting (while working for another company!) for the last 3 years. It is so considerate for you to mention that it doesn't need to be done in the next hour, and I may do it as I have time.
I know you will eventually realize that you are not the senior guy I support, a more senior guy is coming in, and 5 people besides you want my assistance- right now! Kindly respect our professional boundaries, my work ethic and personal integrity. I will get it done when I can, at my earliest convenience.
In conclusion- back off asshole. You're driving me crazy!!